Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
