She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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