I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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