got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
