did you get engaged???
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
