I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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