why didn't you poke me back
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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