i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
MIDGETS
????
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize