Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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