um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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