Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
organizing the empties. That sober.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Randomize
