Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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