I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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