He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I cut my penus on the lid.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
