I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize