I just gift wrapped bread.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
