You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
