You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
