My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
