just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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