You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize