Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
