Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
