Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
