Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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