I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
