My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
