True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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