literally had 100 drinks last night.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
