Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
