dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
