So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
