And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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