i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
my shit smells like andre
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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