I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Warsđ
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
His name isnt in my phone as âSatanâs spawnâ for no reason. #devildick
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Whoâs got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
