That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
