I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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