just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
