She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
