you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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