Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize