Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
