I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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