I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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