What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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