Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
