I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
