sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
