Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
