drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
