we have pet lesbian snakes
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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