i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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