You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
