i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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