I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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