i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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